A Bakery, A Bear-Hug & God

When I last posted, I blogged about giving up sugar for Lent, and give it up I have.  I am convinced that I have been successful in this endeavor because I prayed about it for a few weeks before Lent began and have had friends praying for me over this also.  Do I dare say that giving up sugary sweet things has been….easy?  Not every single moment has been easy – but overall doing without sugar has not made me homicidal, suicidal or even mildly irritable.  And I’ve only had one major temptation, an encounter with my own deep well of weakness, that was HARD.  I will share about that experience later in this post. 

My church held an Ash Wednesday service in which several people spoke about giving up various things such as: Self-Reliance, Hate, and Control.  At first, to me it seemed that my giving up sugar was something paltry… insignificant even.  But God helped me realize, before the evening was even over, that me giving up sugar is me giving up self-reliance, hatred and control.  Here’s how:

I have used sugar as a form of self-reliance, counting on it to provide me comfort when I am sad or down, to dull negative emotions when I am angry or hurt, and to ease stress when work, school, or relationships are causing me stress.

In my addiction to sugar I have often found myself in a vicious cycle of self-hate.  I  feel sad, bad or stressed.  Instead of dealing with what it causing any of those things, instead of praying about them and seeking God in the midst of them, I gorge on unhealthy foods to stuff those feelings down – almost always with something sugar-laden or a sugary/fatty combo.  (Yes, the fatty foods category is a problem too – one thing at a time folks!)  After gorging on the food, I experience feelings of guilt/shame and I hate/loathe myself for not having more self-control and for not dealing with difficult things head on.  And those feelings of self-hate/loathing... guess what I have soothed those with?  Yeah.  I know.  It’s a problem.

In my addiction to sugar I lie to myself consistently telling myself I can eat whatever I want.  I’ll say things like “I can’t control everything or other people, but I’m in charge of what goes in my mouth!”  Now, this could actually be a healthy line of thinking – if I weren’t using the statement as justification for over-indulging on things that will throw my pre-diabetic self into a full-on “DIABETIC” diagnosis.  The truth is, for all that I’ve told myself this is me in control – it’s actually me being entirely out of control. 

So, what’s a fat girl to do who publicly stated she’d give up sugar for Lent, when she’s walking through Whole Foods, loading up on produce and logging every step she takes on her FitBit and she lands smack in front of the Bakery with glass cases filled to the max with cakes, cookies, muffins and the like?

The first thing I did ?  I exhaled all my breath and then breathed in the deepest, longest breath I’ve likely ever taken.  It smelled like Heaven!  (Or what I imagine Heaven will smell like.)  But stronger than the smells is what I was feeling.  I was feeling…. WEAK.

Next (and here is where it gets ugly people)  I told myself, “No one I know is here.  No one would even know if I got a couple of cupcakes and downed them in the car.”  Yep.  That’s right.  I was totally planning on eating what I wanted and then going out into the world to maintain my story of giving up sugar.  As soon as I had fully thought these thoughts – I was instantly guilt-ridden and angry with myself.  I was ready to cry right there in Whole Foods with the cake lady looking right at me!  I white-knuckle-gripped the handle of my shopping cart and I softly (albeit desperately) prayed, “God, help me!”  I think my eyes were even squeezed shut. 
After uttering my short prayer, I could almost feel arms encircle mine in a bear-hug and God softly say in His Scottish accent (because to my ears and vivid imagination our God speaks with a thick Scottish brogue – don’t question, don’t judge – just go with me on this one.)  Where was I?  Oh yes, a big God bear-hug and God says “Shhhhh girl.  It’s alright.  I’m right here and you and I are going to walk away from this counter…TOGETHER.”  Soothing warmth spread from my back, to my shoulders and down my arms.  I relaxed my grip on the cart handle and took several non-hurried steps away from the bakery.  

Before I knew it, I was standing in a check-out line with nothing but bananas, papaya, raspberries, grapes, strawberries and perfectly-ripened pineapple in my cart.

VICTORY!    THANK YOU GOD! 
Keep reading friends, it gets better (because when God does something, He does it all the way)…

I checked out with my fresh fruit, put my cart away, got in my car.  As I pulled out of the parking lot onto Upper Hembree Road, the song “Lift Me Up” by The Afters came on the radio. 

Here are the lyrics and a link to a video of the song is at the very bottom. 
Be blessed friends and know that God is good!

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I'm where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You're reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

I know I'm not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I'm surrounded
When I lose my way
When I'm crying out and falling down
You are here to

Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don't know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

VIDEO:

http://youtu.be/KBy2D8p5Kpw

Sacrificing My Sweet Idol

“Ahhh Sugar, da-da-dada-da-daa, awwww Honey, honey….” 

Hi. My name is Melissa and I am addicted to Sugar.  Sugar is an addictive substance and I have a serious and problematic relationship with it.  I can’t resist it. I crave it all the time. I think about it at the rate some suggest men think about sex – about every 20 seconds. 

I’m not kidding. 

Sugar is my idol.

Definition of the term “idol”: an image or other material object representing a deity to which religious worship is addressed. 

Noah Webster’s 1928 Dictionary defines it this way, “An idol is any thing which usurps the place of God in the hearts of his rational creatures.”

Sugar is my idol and I know it is because I put my love of sugar and all things made thereof:

·         before my health (I have allowed it to make me fat and “pre” diabetic),

·         before my desire to set a good example for my daughter (she sees me choose cookies/cake/etc. before real food…regularly),

·        before using my limited income wisely (as I near the end of my grocery budget I’ll cancel healthy food items off of my list and purchase sweets instead).

·         And yes, I put it before God.  That might sound odd to some people, but remember – I think about it almost all of the time.  I don’t think about God every 20 seconds.  (Now before you or I bash me too hard over this one, I DO think about God and probably more than your average church attending person – I am working towards a theology degree, so there’s that.)

Today I read an article online that discussed how some scientists want sugar regulated the same way alcohol and cigarettes are regulated.  Part of me instantly harrumphs and says “Ridiculous!”  But another part of me, the part that is in a sick love/hate/needful relationship with sugar – the part of me that is beyond exhausted from the guilt of having a show-down between me and a brownie and having the brownie win… Every. Single. Time. – that part of me kind of wishes sugar consumption could somehow be regulated. http://tinyurl.com/82ca7en

But even if it could be, I’m a legal adult in America. I’d still be able to buy all the sugar I want.  Ultimately, if I want to kick this habit and overcome the stronghold it has on my life I’m going to have to learn to say NO... to myself.  And this is where I’ve gotten myself in trouble because I try to rationalize it.  I tell myself things like:

“I gave up cigarettes” (7 years ago this March)

“I give up shopping for new things for me so my child can have new things.”

“I do without fun activities and outings so that I can provide a few for my daughter.”

“It’s just this once, tomorrow no more!”

Basically, I tell myself whatever I need to tell myself so I can justify continued sugar abuse.  The things I’ve given up or done without in life do not earn me the privilege of super slow death by sugar indulgence.

Clearly, my own strength is lacking and my ability to tell myself “No” is non-existent.  I need to lay my ‘self’ down, and give the craving to God. People have even lovingly suggested this in the past.  Why haven’t I yet?  Two reasons.  1) I honestly just haven’t really wanted too – I have loved my addiction.  2) I’m afraid I’ll give it to Him and He won’t fix it.  In short – I don’t trust God enough to handle this for me.  And that lack of trust, that’s where the real sin enters in.

So, in an effort to rid myself of this addiction, I am preparing my mind for Lent – during which I will give up sweets - so that through the Lenten practice of sacrificing some portion of my ‘self’ I can prepare my heart for more of Him.  I’ve realized that I can’t quit this by myself.  I desperately need God’s help or I will fail quite miserably.  But I’m going to do it – I’m absolutely going to give up sweets for Lent!

This is no small thing.  I was raised Catholic, but left the Catholic Church years ago and am now simply a “Christian”.  I have lots of fun cracking-wise about my experiences growing up Catholic, and the idea of giving things up for Lent has not been spared.  It has been well over a decade since I attempted to sacrifice anything for God during Lent.

However, last year during the Lenten season, I was given pause and reminded through the actions of my pastor just what Lent is and the significant role it can play in our spiritual growth. (And isn’t that just exactly what a pastor is should do – not tell you what to do, but he himself did it – leading by example. Color me thankful.)  Last year my pastor participated in the practice of Lenten sacrifice for the first time in his life.  And he blogged about it.  http://tinyurl.com/73aodyz

Among other things, he wrote this that was meaningful to me:

“I am discovering that Lent is an intentional time to engage in self-examination, repentance and to posture ourselves in such a way to remind ourselves how desperately we need God. It is part of the rhythm of the church year which tells God’s story of redemption.” ~ Bryan Marvel

So I’m getting intentional about my self-examination with regard to my sugar addiction, I’m repenting of it (simply changing my mind – no more guilt or shame – just changing my mind about sugar), and through giving up sugar through Lent posturing myself to realize just how much I need God in order to beat this thing!

Are you giving something up for Lent this year?  If so what and why?

Me, God and My Job

“Faith refers to loving God with all that we have and all that we are, our hearts, souls, minds and strength.  Faith means fidelity, loyalty to the God who loves us, who rescued us.  All that we do, in word and deed, must be done in the name of the Lord Jesus.” ~Jack Wisdom (pretty cool last name, huh?)

In thinking on this phrase, I have realized that not everything I do at work is done as an act of faith.  In fact, I think of much of my work as a penance. 

As a single mom, there are countless ways I have willingly died to self - and each of those little deaths have brought me untold blessings in the form of joy, deepened understanding, greater capacity to love - give - receive, and taught me what it is to be truly thankful for a God in control of everything. 

Why then has this been so hard for me at work?  I think in large part it is because I do feel called to something entirely different than what I’m doing now.  My work does not equal my calling and my workplace is a pretty negative and dark environment.  So at work I have allowed the negativity to blind me to my overriding call as a Christian - to die to self in order that my life might glorify God. I think this is probably true of many believers who work in a secular environment.

In loving God with all that I have, I have neglected to love him with my job - a job I have told Him I’m thankful for (after all, it does pay the bills) because when I landed this job five years ago I definitely considered it one of God’s many successful rescues in my life.  But in regards to current thankfulness for my job, I talk to God out of both sides of my mouth - from one I profess gratitude, from the other I beg Him for a speedy deliverance from what I now consider my own personal hell on earth. 

What is my job really though?  A place where I can daily use my God-given strengths to minister in such a way that my efforts might restore and redeem brokenness in my workplace and greatly glorify our God.  My prayer: Show me the way Lord!